Facing feelings sober

Facing feelings sober is sobering

I’ve studied addicts all my life. Thankfully I also studied professionals, and little old-lady-like creatures who were in total control of their feelings. Even rich 89 year old Aunty Ang, with a pretend cocktail in hand, crazy as she had been, was more sober-minded than most I knew. I actually prefer to be around older, wiser, kinder people and if they’re half-crazed, then they’re my type of people.

Facing feelings sober is easy right? Sure. Oh sure.

As I face my feelings this morning, sober – here is what I am doing. I’m listening to Passenger, and sitting here all dressed up alone. Deb is already at work, so I got up and found the lace tuttu type floor length sexy-ass-skirt with the black underlay and all fluffy and polka dotted with a sheer black shirt and cool freakin’ belt, I love this outfit, I feel like a movie star. I’ve already put in three long, smart hours, writing reports for a client, and intelligent thought went into each. I feel great about myself right now. I love me so much, yet I feel so unloved. No one is here to share my awesome life with me. Facing feelings sober is f’d up. Sometimes, all we want to do is sleep away life, but that would be the truly crazy thing to do. Facing feeling sober is smart, and yes I’m smart.

Facing feelings sober – this is how I do it

I didn’t start drinking until late in life, but I had my fair share of other addictions. I don’t like mentioning, but I am sure even sober Aunty Ang had her own hidden addictions.

I’m getting better and better at facing feelings sober. I like that I’m sober, and I’ve made a true deal with self, to keep it away from me totally. Other than watching someone drink, which doesn’t bother me at all, hell I have to watch people eat too, and I’m still losing weight. I hate alcohol for myself, I think it tried to destroy me on purpose. 🙂 (smiles)

It’s harder for the person who doesn’t like being alone. Some people truly like being alone, and I’m sort of one of those people now myself. I say sort of because there are days I cry all day because I’m so unappreciated and alone, I feel dark and desperate and unable to breath, I feel the world is moving around me and that it needs me but it doesn’t love me, so it throws me into the sea of fire and wants me to disappear.

No I’m not depressed, I’m just being honest. I’m a happy-girl, in a happy and sad world. I have faith that Jah will send me much love.

Here are the things that make me sad. I figured I would give myself a list of what I might be holding onto that is making me sad:

  1. Cigarettes (I quit but I still have an occasional irrational bout of puffing)
  2. Alcohol (I quit and hate it, but every now and again I think that a margarita at a wedding wouldn’t hurt, but I will never, ever, ever, I hate it that bad)
  3. Weight (oh-so-sad, because I know how I look now, I feel so much more beautiful and productive, and ready to float around the room on fairy-dust only, I feel high losing weight, and I enjoy an empty belly. Don’t hate me, don’t hate me, just because I’m getting back to normal, this is the best its ever been for me. I want to share it with everyone I love.)
  4. Nothing else really makes me feel sad, but I’ll bet you all thought I would list ‘him’, but he never made me sad for me, he made me sad for him, so technically I can list him. I hate the way I was with him, as much as the alcohol, but I also hate that I can never trust him again, and that because of the loss of friendship, that he thinks I’m a dirt bag I guess, so be off with his head. I think it’s his loss, because I’m wonderful…yup I sure am!
  5. I need to let go of the only person, other than my mother, that knows everything about me and still loves me, she never defriends me, she never walks away. Neither did Jim, so I hate that I miss him. Right now, I’m dealing with the fact, that I don’t need anyone to accept me, I’ll keep myself to myself.

As I re-read this post, it’s a different day now. I went to the plastic surgeon and he actually consulted me in a very caring way. He said I was pretty and that I had very little actual fat on me, that lipo wasn’t really needed, just skin removal below chin, arms and full tummy tuck wrapped around to the hips, lifting the backside. I will also get my breasts lifted, so then I’ll be put together physically.

I’m not happy still, because 8-10 weeks can’t come quick enough. I also have to come up with about 9 thousand dollars, but I can do it in that amount of time, I know I can. Mind you, that’s only the stomach and backside. Next will be the chin, then the arms. My face can’t b covered like my arms in the winter. Maybe I’ll do my arms first, and wear thick neck chokers. I hate getting old.

Sounds like I hate a lot, when I really love a lot.

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