Living fragile

Debbie said it today. I love talking to her because we’ve both lived through much of the same things, with the same sound minds, but living fragile.  I took notes during this convo because it was like we were in a group.

We crack up laughing, just being ourselves. She’s a recovered alcoholic. She asked me a question not a single soul has ever asked me, “How is it you’ve done what you’ve done,?” It touched me when I re-read this post, because she was truly interested in me, and respected me completely for what she clearly saw.

Yes that’s who I am Debbie. I do things. I make things happen. I get past things that are painful, and I create a peaceful surrounding.

As we continued talking, something hit me. I didn’t quit drinking last year for a man, not all together. I adored him, and true enough, I wanted to be the best me ever, but I just couldn’t do it permanently and nothing would have been good enough at the time. I was coming off of 3 years of drinking and not quite home yet. It was as if my last few demons hadn’t been recognized, so how could they be dispelled?

It seemed as if, every time I got super-stressed, I still turned to the bottle. What was wrong with me, then? I’m trembling as I’m writing this.

It hit me that, true enough, it was because I had already lived through so much, that I was simply tired of being strong. It hit me hard, that I needed a rest. So now I take my rest, while she’s continuing her own journey, we are here to support each other, like true people do. God sent her to me and I to her.

No more living fragile. It’s time to woman up again and purr like the kitten inside of me. I always referred to myself as a kitten, when I was strong, because strong people learn how to sit back and listen and not be effected by the drama of life. They just purr.

She asked me how do I live knowing my son will likely die a bad death. I didn’t want to remember that I was living with this pain, but instead of living fragile, I decided to say, “I just don’t know!”

No I don’t know how I do it yet I have to figure it out. How do I really do it now? Now that there’s no more alcohol, or drugs, or any addictions?  I don’t over-eat, drink, or think anymore. It seems when you’re moderate in your thinking then your behaviors become moderate as well. Maybe I handle it because of my own strength. Drugs nor no addiction can handle real pain, only living a life without them can.

Then it also occurred to me. I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past. And, I’ve also never met a strong person who would give the time of day, to their past. Strong people don’t think on what was, but what could be. Strong people focus on good things. No more living fragile. Now that’s what I call freedom!




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